It's been 6 years since the final eerie opening-credits whistle of X-Files. ...10 years since the last movie. For the series, my friends and I huddled around the TV every Friday to watch together like most women later would for Sex in the City airings. Both, were soft-core versions of our fetishes. Sex in the City sated women's craving for their relationship fetish, while X-Files just served to make us guys more frustrated. Just like soft-core offerings do for men and women.
During the series, X-Files had two kinds of episodes. The most exciting for fans was the first type, episodes relating to the overall story arc of aliens and the cover-up conspiracy. The second type were stand-alone episodes relating to other types of phenomenon such as vampires, psychics, etc. Each type had both good and bad episodes, but we always came back for more. The allure was just too strong.
And for me the allure was still too strong to stay away. I couldn't miss Mulder's brand of snark, and I certainly wasn't going to miss Scully. She had, and maintains, a smoldering buttoned-down appeal that I bought into on night one back in 1993. But in the 10 years since the last movie, Chris Carter and company, developed a third type of story for us to watch. The type that sucks.
I don't like to give spoilers in reviews, but I am obligated to tell you one spoiler, and that spoiler is...the movie. It spoils your entertainment for the evening. This isn't just the wrath of a scorned fan. It's not that I feel disenfranchised by Chris Carter making a movie outside of what I thought it should be. Scully smoldered. Mulder snarked. Still, it was missing something.
There was definitely a conspiracy, but it was in the making of the trailer. Trailers are often tweaked to give a certain feel. This one was a downright sham. The trailer was not only cut to seem like a continuance of the alien story line, but also "enhanced". There's a shot of a character on his knees in the snow with what appears to be the Black Oil coming out of his
eyes. In this shot you can clearly see the dark substance. This is a familiar image to viewers of the series. But in the movie, it's actually bright red blood. There was no Black Oil. There were no sentient fluids of any type. This footage was definitely doctored to make the blood darker. I don't have a screen cap from the movie, as it is sealed in a canister, submerged in liquid nitrogen, and housed in a secure government facility. But trust me, I've seen it. Please believe me.
And, it doesn't stop there. Other grassy knoll moments include this shot of a woman
seemingly being visited by a blinding light, aka a spaceship. It was actually just an SUV coming over a hill. The headlights were not anywhere near this bright in the movie, and the scene never alluded to ET's. Why would you do that Mr. Trailer Editor? Oh yeah, because you were just following orders. That's how bad stuff happens people. Don't be part of the cover-up.Have you been baited and switched enough? No? Good, because we're not done yet. There are more than a couple of shots of our principal characters scanning the skies or being surprised by some kind of light or flash. Like this one of Mulder:
Or this one:
Or this one:
Or this one:
I can assure you there is no reason, at any time during this story, for anyone to be surprised or look into the sky. Not ever. Not even to check the weather.
I'm going to go ahead and give you some spoilers, but not to ruin the movie. Think of it like getting a CarFax report. I'm doing you a solid.
SPOILERS:
1. There's a two headed dog. No, I'm not making that up. And yes, it is stupid and lame.
2. Mulder and Scully are totally doing it. X-Files fans have been rabid for these kids to work it out and get together. They don't show anything good, but they work it in as part of the story and don't beat you over the head with it. Oh wait, yes they do.
3. Mulder is in hiding from the FBI, but seems to live just a town or two away from FBI headquarters. They contact Scully, asking her if she has anyway of making contact with him, as they desperately need his help. So, she goes home to talk to Mulder because they live together. The FBI apparently couldn't figure that out with all of their resources. God help us. They couldn't even be bothered to do a drive by. If only they had access to the CSI style Databases of Everything.
4. Conveniently, all the bad stuff in this case seemingly goes down within driving distance of FBI HQ, Scully's office, her and Mulder's house, and any other locale that characters need to be at in the same day.
5. Chris Carter is a dick.
The X-Files was a great series. Sure it got convoluted and frustrating, but it gave lots of good stuff for a lot of years. The first X-Files movie was an event, and great fun. It was a little bit of a tease, but I have no regrets handing over my money for it. This time around, you can wait until it comes out on video...then skip it then too. Because, the truth IS out there. And the truth is, this isn't a good movie.
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